11.05.2010

So it’s 1:45 am (!!!)…I’m really tired but I can’t seem to sleep so I thought I’d jot off a quick blog.  

At  this moment in my life professionally and personally I’m going through a lot of growth (I use the word ‘growth’ as the most positive spin on ‘pain and suffering ‘as I can make!).

I’m re-strategizing, amping myself up, fighting all kinds of battles (imaginary and real) and trying my best to be BETTER.

For the most part I’m making some major improvements BUT what I’ve come to realize about me (this has only taken 27 ½ years to figure out) is that I am a crazy, OTT perfectionist. I’m not talking ‘Ag she’s such a perfectionist man’ -type of perfectionist. I’m talking ‘she’s a weird girl, what‘s wrong with her?’ -type of perfectionist.

And funnily, all the things people (who take art very seriously) say about ‘being able to see what is going on in the artists head by his work’ actually does make a lot of sense in my case… I mean do I really need to sit for hours making sure every mark that is put to paper is per-fec-tion? And for that matter, do I really need to make my work so incredibly detailed?

Well for me the answer is a resounding YES. For me, there is nothing better than sitting for hours making sure every minute detail is 100%. It’s been a great source of therapy over the years.

This perfectionism has been both positive and negative in my life and career.

Positive in that is pushes me to always try harder and artistically it has made for a different style- one which is quite fresh in its OTT-ness. But it also causes me a lot of unnecessary stress. Symptoms of which include, but must not be limited to: sleeplessness (see above), lethargy, stomach cramping, over-eating, over-obsessing, depression, temper-losing and other general socially unsavory behavior!

At least with understanding myself a little better, I can try and not be so coo-coo about things and learn to chill out.

So the next thing on the “make Nicole Better” list is: not be so hard on myself… (Hmm I’m feeling like this might be quite a circular problem).

xxx